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Everything Wrong With: Avril Lavine's Hello Kitty

Sooo I think I'm going to do this new thing where any time there's some crazy viral video or some really bad song or something overall offensive... I'm going to watch it and count all the things that are wrong with it! This week will be the now infamous Hello Kitty by Avril Lavine.

1) The beat at the beginning kind of sounds like some sort of doomsday thing.

2) I don't think Avril knows Japanese... she should have made a French song... at least like Flight of the Conchords Foux du Fafa.

3) She's a grown woman... she can have a sleepover without mom's permission.

4) Also... why is she having a sleepover? Again see grown woman argument.

5) I don't know what she's doing to those poor background dancers, other than offending their entire culture and it seems like she is forcing them to dance against their will... possibly without being paid in real money.

6) The lyrics "like a fat kid with a pack of smarties" confuses me greatly. Smarties are very small and would likely not make a kid all that fat. Also what kind of Smaties is she talking about? She's from Canada and what the US calls Smarties there are called Rockets and their Smarties are something that I think is more like our Oompa Loompa candy. Didn't she realize this reference may be difficult to translate across borders.

7)  Why is she playing spin the bottle? She's married and I think the only person that will be friends with her is her husband Chad Krogger... why is it such a secret?

8) Really? Come come kitty kitty stay with me? Isn't it a tad creepy that it sounds like she's using a children's cartoon as a euphemism for her vagina? That's what it clearly sounds like.

9) When she's inside she has glasses on, when she's outside she does not, and when she's playing guitar she also does not. And I believe at the cringe-worthy chorus she doesn't either. She must have really weird vision problems.

10) Second chorus she's in a candy shop and she does have the glasses on... so she doesn't need to see her guitar, but she needs to see the candy she is selecting. Makes enough sense, I'll let it slide.

11) How did that guy make all that sushi so fast? It just showed him rolling some fish and then all of a sudden Avril has two full plates of sushi... wtf?

12) That guy also looks very angry.

13) Also Avril probably should have eaten her dinner before getting all that candy. She mentioned that she lived with her mom, so shouldn't her mom be angry?

14) Also why is she in a candy shop when she mentioned how Smarties make kids fat. What the hell kind of diet are you trying to promote here, Avril.

15) Also THE CANDY STORE DIDN'T EVEN SHOW THE DAMN SMARTIES, SO WHO KNOWS WHAT TYPE OF SMARTIES SHE EVEN MEANS! Dear god, this is too confusing.

16) It seems that she's walking in some sort of parade after eating all that sushi and candy.... isn't she afraid she'll fart a lot? That was a lot of sushi!

17) If she is farting a lot, that kind of explains some of the unhappiness of the background dancers. They're much more sensible though, they just watched her eat the sushi and candy. They didn't have any themselves.

18) Isn't it a little rude of Avril to eat in front of all her friends, I mean she doesn't even offer them any sushi. Then she farts on them during the parade! What a shitty friend!

19) The dancers seem amused at the picture Avril took of them. Maybe because Avril wasn't in it with them... which again what the hell. Why the hell not?

20) Avril just sort of dances badly but kind of like she's trying to work out badly. Maybe working off all those smarties that apparently make you really fat.

21) Never once in the song do we see a cat, kitty, Hello Kitty or any of the Sanrio characters... probably could not get the rights to the song. I hope Sanrio sues her over the title.

Overall, aside from all the offensive stuff in the video, and in the lyrics and just all around... the song is pretty damn catchy. I was really into the first 20 seconds or so... but then its like "alright... 3 minutes is wayyy too long for this stuff."

Byeee!
-Shannon 

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