I wrote this last year in Creative Writing Class as a Satire. I was inspired by lots of rules and restrictions on coupons from my store and frustrated customers. Honestly I don't think the stores coupon restrictions were that ridiculous, but I can see how if a customer didn't read it carefully they can get confused. I've been on both sides, and I know the experience. Although I'm pretty sure I specifically thought of this last year around Christmas time after being torn apart by two old women basically for doing my job. They wanted to use a coupon for something they already purchased, which can be a long process on our registers. Yeah, I mean the more I think about it I was literally just doing my job, exactly the way I was taught how and these women wanted me fired for that... kind of ridiculous when two older women completely tear apart a 21 year old kid just for doing her job... but hey that's retail sometimes.
With that little intro- I hope you enjoy this, especially on such a busy shopping season with lots of coupon restrictions! Enjoy! Also I added and changed some things... hope you like it!
The Best Coupon In The World
This is the best coupon you could ever ask for. Not only does it give you a TON of discounts at this store, Awesome Mart, but it will also give you everything you want in life? Want that promotion? You got it! Trying to lose 10 pounds before your sisters wedding? Consider it done! This fabulous coupon will improve your health, make you win the lottery and live forever!
This coupon is wayyy too spectacular to be combined with any other coupon, not even our Best Coupon in the Country, which claims to be combined with anything (now through Thursday, said coupon can only be combined with The Best Coupon In The State). This is only available at any Awesome Mart location (cannot be used at AmazingMart or The Spectacular Store). The coupon can only be used between 10:45 pm and 8:45 am. It will not be valid any other times than that unless you are wearing green underwear, or your name is Muriel.
You cannot combine this coupon on any of our Mega Discount Deals or our buy one get one free items or we will go bankrupt. You cannot use this coupon on anything that is red, blue, or purple. It absolutely can be used on ANYTHING green in the store, unless it is socks. Then you're screwed. This can be used on any new apparel in any state except for Utah. If you want to buy any merchandise from the left side of the store, see a manager for details. It is likely they will say no, but they will probably say it nice enough so that you will still buy our crappy merchandise. Some of the stuff will fall apart right after you put it in the wash, but nothing may ever be returned unless it is a sunday afternoon in June where a man named Carlos is present. If your store does not have a Carlos, see one of the store managerbots for details (and see the Awesome Mart Shoppers Survival guide for details on how to talk to a managerbot without getting brutally burned by laser beams.)
All you need to do to get this incredible life changing coupon is to sign a piece of paper with your name, email, and phone number, and give us your first born.
With that little intro- I hope you enjoy this, especially on such a busy shopping season with lots of coupon restrictions! Enjoy! Also I added and changed some things... hope you like it!
The Best Coupon In The World
This is the best coupon you could ever ask for. Not only does it give you a TON of discounts at this store, Awesome Mart, but it will also give you everything you want in life? Want that promotion? You got it! Trying to lose 10 pounds before your sisters wedding? Consider it done! This fabulous coupon will improve your health, make you win the lottery and live forever!
This coupon is wayyy too spectacular to be combined with any other coupon, not even our Best Coupon in the Country, which claims to be combined with anything (now through Thursday, said coupon can only be combined with The Best Coupon In The State). This is only available at any Awesome Mart location (cannot be used at AmazingMart or The Spectacular Store). The coupon can only be used between 10:45 pm and 8:45 am. It will not be valid any other times than that unless you are wearing green underwear, or your name is Muriel.
You cannot combine this coupon on any of our Mega Discount Deals or our buy one get one free items or we will go bankrupt. You cannot use this coupon on anything that is red, blue, or purple. It absolutely can be used on ANYTHING green in the store, unless it is socks. Then you're screwed. This can be used on any new apparel in any state except for Utah. If you want to buy any merchandise from the left side of the store, see a manager for details. It is likely they will say no, but they will probably say it nice enough so that you will still buy our crappy merchandise. Some of the stuff will fall apart right after you put it in the wash, but nothing may ever be returned unless it is a sunday afternoon in June where a man named Carlos is present. If your store does not have a Carlos, see one of the store managerbots for details (and see the Awesome Mart Shoppers Survival guide for details on how to talk to a managerbot without getting brutally burned by laser beams.)
All you need to do to get this incredible life changing coupon is to sign a piece of paper with your name, email, and phone number, and give us your first born.
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